My health continues to improve, more rapidly now that I'm not working quite as hard. Luckily I have sufficient sick days so that I have been able to take a day off each week for the past 3 weeks. Plus, the directors at Marpa House are working with me such that I don't have to do dinner cleanup until I'm healed. It's pretty extraordinary that with just an extra day each week and my evenings to myself (to meditate and get to bed early) that I am healing faster. I am able to get more exercise and take care of the things I need to take care of so that I can get to bed at a reasonable hour the rest of the week.
Another sign of progress is that I'm able to walk more without ankle pain. I began to understand a few weeks ago that my arthritis is probably pretty much controlled because of the care I take with my diet, but that my ankles suffered so much trauma that they still hurt all the time, especially after I walk a lot. However, I had a massage last week that focused on my ankles, and that seems to have made a pretty big difference. This past few weeks I have basically felt better than I have felt in 7 months, and I can't tell you how exciting it is!
As well, I'm getting stronger climbing, and am now doing easy 5.12s on my 2nd or 3rd try, which is pretty dang cool. I've never climbed this hard. But I know I can climb much harder. I haven't really tried that hard yet. Once I figure out the moves, I can often do the climbs with ease. I'm almost ready to really start trying hard. I think I need to do a bit more healing first, however. Today I realized that I have perhaps been pushing it a bit too hard. My body hurt when I woke up, but I still went climbing. Now my body hurts more. I'm taking 3 days off.
My heart still hurts, but I continue to let go of the fixation day by day. I'm not letting go of the love I feel, but rather the grasping at the projections of what I thought relationship was supposed to be. I realize new things every day, such as I have been judgmental in my relationship of my ex. She is where she is, and I am where I am, and I need to respect that. We think differently about relationship... or rather we just have different experiences with relationship because we are in different places in life. Rather than judge, criticize or be angry with her for not being like me, I just needed to let go long ago or figure out how to be at ease with the fact that we are on different paths. But it was so hard to do because I was in love! Such is life. Confusing. Perhaps some day I will be able to totally accept every person... I think that is true compassion--accepting people for exactly where they are... But then there is also accepting me exactly where I am. Those things are hard to do.
My new van rocks. I put a foam "bed" in it today. I'm pretty stoked that came into my life. If fact, I'm really excited about all my awesome climbing partners, the new girlfriends I have been hanging out with, the new climbing partner I found today who has some of the same goals I have (Moonlight Buttress!!!), and on the fact that things have settled down at work and now I can HOPEFULLY get back to developing my project. Oh yeah, and teaching, i'll start next spring. Woohoo.
Sweet dreams to all the friends and family in my life and especially to my ex. I feel so incredibly lucky to be alive. Love, hugs, kisses... Lizzy