The past four days I have felt a sense of peace and calm that I haven't felt this year. I am still sad, but also joyful. The fall days have been gorgeous, warm, sunny and crisp with inevitable winter. I have sat one to two hours per day in the Marpa House Shrine Room, surrounded by flowers, cushions, and the sounds of dozens of birds that love to visit the back courtyard. I feel so lucky to sit in quiet, with cool air blowing through the windows, and streaks of sunlight shining through them onto the hard wood floors. I'm even excited about chanting for the first time. Where I used to think of the chants as worship, now I understand they are just reminders of the Buddhist teachings. Reminders that people who are on the path I'm on are committed to finding peace and groundedness within themselves so that they can benefit others. I know all this sounds pretty cheesy, but it's what I believe. And sometimes, when I get a glimpse of that peace and feel love and compassion for people more than I have felt before, well, I guess I just appreciate that.
Ahhh, finally some peace. I know it won't last. Life is change. But I am so incredibly thankful for now.
In other good news: I'm buying a minivan!!! Woohoo. Travel, yard work, no more biking in the winter. And I sent my first 12b ever, and it wasn't that much work. I did the crux a few times on TR and then sent the route first go on lead. I have such a different perspective on climbing after being sick & riddled with arthritis. First, when I could walk up and down the stairs without pain, I was thrilled. Now I'm climbing 12b, and I can't tell you how it just makes me want to cry.
"The energy of Passion without grasping is the wisdom that sees all angles." Pema Chodron
I memorized this quote as a mantra as a way to say goodbye to the sweetest & most beautiful woman I have ever known, my now ex. I repeat it over and over and now I am just starting to enjoy that energy I have for her without holding on too tightly. There is freedom from stress and a feeling of more love and also joy. I had this overwhelming feeling yesterday that I cannot wait until my attachment is gone so that I can be friends with her again, climb with her again, and just hang out with her. I miss her so much! It will still be a while, but it is in my future. Lucky me for knowing and loving her! And lucky me that we still love each other. :)
OK. Time to work!
1 year ago